February 23, 2013 I wrote this:
This is difficult to even know where to begin. Emotions have been all over the place this month. It is difficult to figure out how I am feeling because I go back and forth so much. I am not sure how I am going to end up expressing myself, but I find better perspective in writing things out.
This semester has been one of the hardest semesters I have ever experienced in college. The difficulty stems from my best not being good enough. It definitely takes a toll on my self esteem when week after week I look at a screen that says 50%! That translates in my head as "failure!" "You are a failure and you will never be good enough." I can go to all the lectures and reviews and ta's and do my hw, but NOTHING works. With the constant failure comes unmotivation, hard heartedness, misery, and unhappiness. It is horrible. I just hate myself.
February 24, 2013 I am writing this:
I watched this Mormon message:
It really hit me how small and minuscule my trials are compared to what others are facing in the video. If they can endure what they are going through, then I can endure a class that I know will be over in 2 months. These people are dealing with trials that effect them everyday all day for what will be the rest of their lives...
This perspective gives me more patience to apply to these next couple of months. It is not how horrible of a person I am anymore, it is what can I keep trying to do to get through this as best as I can. Meaning "as best" does not mean miraculously getting an A, it means improving how I look at and think about myself.
I really liked President Eyring's encouraging words,"That particle of faith most precious and which you should protect and use to whatever extent you can is faith in the Lord Jesus Christ." If my extent of faith seems as little as getting a passing grade, then I know it will happen. And if protecting that faith is what supplies my motivation to keep me going to class and doing my homework and stopping me from not giving up, then I will do it.
"if we have faith in Jesus Christ, the hardest as well as the easiest times in life can be a blessing. In all conditions, we can choose the right with the guidance of the Spirit. We have the gospel of Jesus Christ to shape and guide our lives if we choose it. And with prophets revealing to us our place in the plan of salvation, we can live with perfect hope and a feeling of peace. We never need to feel that we are alone or unloved in the Lord’s service because we never are. We can feel the love of God. The Savior has promised angels on our left and our right to bear us up.10 And He always keeps His word." -Henry B. Eyring
Perspective changes things.
Hi there. Might not make sense, took a muscle relaxant and feeling a bit tired... but read your blog while waiting to dose off. As I have struggled through things I have realized as I change/define (lower) my expectation of things I become less stressed and upset with myself. As we get older, our trials become harder/ classes get more intense, but yet we still judge and expect ourselves to perform as we did when we were doing the elementary stuff.
ReplyDeleteAs I focus more on what I am good at, I am realizing that the stuff that I am not so good at improves naturally, but I am happy doing it.
If there is a pro basketball player, should he try to play football just because he isn't good at that sport and feels the need to be good at it all? no, of course not. We too need to focus on what we are good at. Our talents are specific and given to us, let us share them and focus on them. The other things that are harder- we too can play football, but let us not forget what we are best at.
Who knows if that made sense. Starting to get loopy :)
Keep up the good work. You are almost done. Give yourself a break and be proud that you guys are graduating!!! I am so proud of the two of you!!!!!!