Reality Check

Let it go, 

let it roll right off your shoulder 

don't you know 

the hardest part is over 

let it in, 

let your clarity define you 

in the end 

we will only just remember how it feels 

our lives are made 

in these small hours 

these little wonders, 

these twists & turns of fate 

time falls away, 

but these small hours, 

these small hours still remain 

let it slide, 

let your troubles fall behind you 

let it shine 

until you feel it all around you 

and i don't mind 

if it's me you need to turn to 

we?ll get by, 

it's the heart that really matters in the end 

all of my regret will wash away somehow

but i can not forget the way I feel right now

It's been quite busy working, finishing wedding open houses, going to an extended family wedding, and trying to organize our new yet to be furnished apartment. Our newlywed checklist seems endless, but little by little, I often look back to see the little accomplishments that we have been slowly but surely checking off (I like lists because I tend to be forgetful) to ease my overwhelmed brain with it's endless thoughts. It's always planning ahead, what to do next, what's our next project, and what other newly married government paperwork do I need to fill out now?

Trying to find the balance of family, friends, work, and home is taking it's time and an emotional toll.  It's only been two weeks, but it's hard to think of what life was like before without my best friend and husband. I am fully accepted by him and there is no feeling like it when someone loves you for everything you are and sees and encourages you to become anything you can be. But the harder part is accepting myself in taking on new identities and roles as a wife, a Dawson, and being treated even more as an adult. And that means acting like one.

Recently I have been taking things personally by what others say and do. My feelings get hurt through what others say to other people and and what they don't say to me. It pulls me into that dreadful state of comparing and wondering why I'm not good enough, why don't they want to talk to me, of course they don't want to talk to me, I'm in the wrong, everyone is perfect and I'm the only one in the world not. How do I gain their acceptance? How do others do it so easily? It's fair, but it's not fair. I leave myself bitter, hurt, and hold grudges at those who don't deserve it and leave myself worse than I was. And I'm doing it right now by typing this. I take all the blame. But it's no one's fault. How do I let this unforgiving circle go? 

I just have to let it go. Tell myself to not think about it. Tell myself to have confidence in myself and hopefully some day others will love and care about me, as much as I care for them. I am very quiet about it, but it's a struggle and very uncomfortable to keep trying to get out of this shell. But I hope I can accept myself more as much as my Father in Heaven loves and accepts me and I hope others will be able to in return also. I hope to "let my clarity define me and not my sins. Let my troubles and regrets wash away through the atonement of Jesus Christ and enjoy the journey of this new chapter in my life. I know it's the right time and I am absolutely with the right person. It's finding, being in, and making it be the right place to grow and learn in these small hours.

He is the most amazing man I know. I just love him!