Late Night Rambling

Today was one of those days that I just needed to hear from Matt.

I was being a little grouchy and I knew he could soften my heart.

And he did.

Not only did I hear from Matt, but looking for those precious little impressions and feelings from the Holy Ghost everyday is what keeps me going by knowing, I hear from my Heavenly Father too.

There are so many things in life I am uncertain about.

and it's going to take time to see how they work out.

But it's scary!!!

I guess I'll catch you up to date,

I'm pretty vague sometimes, ok A LOT of the time, on the blog, and I realized this is not what I want to accomplish here. I want to be open.

I am not a writer either. I am not interesting! I'm not witty or clever or philosophical with words. I'm just word vomit everything. So for those who still read, thanks for hanging in here!

So in a nutshell...up to date...

I don't know where I am going to live in a month and a half. My cousin is living at my grandma's and the only place for me to be would be sharing a room with my mom or sleeping on the couch and living out of my suitcase the whole summer and not being able to go anywhere because I have no car and be confined to little Holladay pretty much. Or I can find a full time job and live in provo spring and summer and have easy access to bus and walking to work if possible. And have my own place and own bed. Or I have applied for an internship at Del Sol and I have my first interview this Friday!!! I would work in a different state for the summer and earn money and experience life on my own for a little while. I have always been in the same state with family. So this is something I feel like I need to learn to do by being more on my own and a little more independent. I really really really want to do this. Please pray for me to be able to have the opportunity!

Friends. I can't decide if it's better to shut someone out of your life for good that hurt my feelings pretty bad. Especially when this person still tries to talk to you. It's so confusing because you know the good in them because we had good times together that we laughed and we've cried. But then they just say they don't want to be around you anymore? Huh?! Stab my heart. That hurts. My walls just get put up even higher and more sturdier next time. I question every word they say and question their sincerity if I believe they even have any left. I question what our whole relationship was about and if it was even a true one to begin with or was it lies from the beginning? Can I forgive but not want them to be a part of my life ever again? Or by forgiving, they should be allowed/or I should allow them into my life again?? I'm slow at making friends to begin with...and it just proves to me how hard it really is. And I was putting myself out there. And I just got hurt. I don't want to crawl back into a turtle shell. It's taking a lot of strength to try and stay out of it right now. Because by staying out, I'm vulnerable to maybe new friends who could do the same thing to me. Again.

I don't know where to live in the Fall.

I don't know what classes to take in the Fall.

I am absolutely in love with a guy that I haven't seen in over 18 months. I get scared because sometimes, ok more than sometimes, I can't remember what it's like to be around him. He'll be a somewhat different person when he gets back. Holy Cow, I know I'm different. What will he think about me? How will I feel around him then? We'll be apart again in the fall. Probably see him for like a couple days when he gets home and then apart again we'll be. Will I be able to handle it? Over Christmas break, some family members brought up their concerns about Matt and I's relationship...they are just scared too. They don't want me dating seriously in general because I'm "the baby." I love you family, but we'll see. I'll do what makes ME happy still. And you'll have to support me in it because you love me too. And you don't know Matt like his family does or how I do or know how I used to feel around him no matter how I try to describe it.

Can I really make it to be a physical therapist? Accomplish my dream to help others the way I want to help them? Sometimes when I am walking across campus, I just picture myself helping someone learning how to walk again. Giving them a high five. Laughing with a client. Just making them smile. And helping them believe in themselves. But I need to learn how to believe in myself if I want to know how to teach others how to do that for themselves.

sigh.

*****

I have a testimony of the gospel and I know that Heavenly Father lives and so does his Son Jesus Christ. I know all things are made possible because of the atonement. The sacrifice that Jesus was and that Heavenly Father made to allow me to make the best of my mortality. I know I am a daughter of God and that this life is for joy. My testimony is what I am certain about.

*****

Sueña con los angelitos